WHAT if football teams were women? That's a subject close to the heart of Whitburn correspondent, Bert Mancini.

Aberdeen would be Dido - bland and boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago.

Caley Thistle would be Jodie Marsh - impressive front two but embarrassing at the back.

Celtic would be Charlotte Church - proof that money can't buy you class. But could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow.

Dundee would be Dannii Minogue - the poor relation to the more glamorous sibling.

Dundee United would be Sophie Ellis-Bextor - all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn't work.

Falkirk would be Girls Aloud - only one class act in the line-up. You shouldn't like them but you've had an admiring glance.

Rangers would be Jordan - marginally more likeable when they weren't packed with expensive foreign implants.

Kilmarnock would be Pamela Anderson - can look good on their day, but who hasn't watched them getting a right seeing to?

Hibs would be Keira Knightley - easy on the eye and proof that two little ones up front needn't be a drawback.

Livingston would be Davina McCall - promoted beyond their ability.

Any more, folks?

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